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Hogspore News:

Mumford Pickens is a right smart feller

By Clet Litter as told to 

Bob Simpson

Mumford Pickens is a right smart feller. He can speak and write a bunch of languages, but I can’t ever tell what’s true or not. He once told me that he was able to make puns in the Cherokee language. There weren’t no way to prove it. Then I remembered Chief Sitting Quietly.

We set out a few days later to visit the chief to confirm Mumford’s boast. Mumford greeted the chief and started talking to him. In a couple of minutes the Cherokee elder started to laugh, more like a chuckle really. We left, and I had to hear about it all the way home. 

Mumford recently let me catch him working a Norwegian crossword puzzle, upside down, using a pen. He weren’t upside down, the puzzle was. This ain’t the first time; I saw him pretending to solve one of them Sudoku number puzzles. It’s a square block with 9 inside boxes across and 9 rows down. Mumford was filling in the blocks without pausing. I was stupefied, till it come to me that something didn’t add up, mainly each line total was different. It’s supposed to be the same total for all the single rows and columns. He was just making the numbers up.

Follow up: Chief Sitting Quietly, (and Chuckling), told me later that Mumford Pickens had given him forty dollar plus a jar of special untaxed whiskey to pretend to laugh at the Cherokee pun.  

The following may somehow have actually occurred at least once: A man is involved in a horrible car wreck. He’s hurt and needs medical attention, but he’s probably gonna make it. A car pulls up; the driver gets out and runs over to help. Accident Boy says, “Are you a doctor?”

“Yes, I’m a doctor, a psychiatrist, but I’ll stay with you till the ambulance gets here.”

Accident Boy says, “You gotta call 911. Nobody has called yet, and I can’t use my cell phone cause both my arms are broken.”

The psychiatrist asks, “Are your legs broken too?”

AB answered, “No, but I can’t call cause I can’t get my shoes off to use my phone.”

PB calls 911 to report the information on the location and adds that the injured man also appears to be quite sarcastic. PB stated, “The ambulance is on its way.” Suddenly, AB starts screaming and moaning, so loud that the crows in the trees fly off, like AB is a farmer with a shotgun.

PB said, “Calm down. Help is on the way.” AB keeps on yelling, so PB adds, “I know you’re in a lotta pain. How do you feel about that?”

AB carries on shrieking in agony. PB drags out a notepad and pen and said, “Well, okay then. Now we’re starting to see some real progress. Go with that.”

Hollywood Rumor: Tom Cruise and John Travolta are filming a movie together. It’s about two men who buy a Jiffy Lube franchise as partners. It’s called Top Grease Gun. Alex Baldwin is gonna be in another film soon. There’s no date set yet for when the shooting will start. The working title is Incident at the F-Stop Corral.

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