Whatta you want for Christmas?
By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson
Whatta you want for Christmas? I’m not asking what you want. This is what you don’t wanna ask your spouse. You might think that it shows you care, but you’d be wrong. It shows that you’re taking her for granted. You’re not trying very hard. Ask one of your smart friends. They don’t have to be that smart. They only gotta be smarter than you are. DON’T ask her friends for advice, cause she’ll hear about it before you can buy that one-way bus ticket.
Here’s what Jimmy Suspenders did last year and what happened. Jimmy says, “I got Sara a present last Christmas that was the same as the year before. I couldn’t believe she got so mad. I tried to explain that I thought that after a year had gone by, she mighta changed her mind.”
I sez, “What did you get her?”
“I don’t want to say. Besides, it burned up with the other gifts after Sara set fire to the tree.”
The Society for the Awareness of the Incontinent has revised the abbreviation guide for its mobile phone users. LOLTBBFF. It means Laugh Out Loud Toilet Bowl Best Friends Forever
Science Discovery: Another planet has been found in the constellation Orthodontia. The planet’s new name is Molar. The American Dental Association’s enterprising space team is in the area and wants to drill Molar and fill a teethtonic plate shift void. There’s no life on Molar cept for bacteria, so it’s a go. The crew is waiting on a supply ship with enough used brace and retainer wire to fill the cavity. I have to apolergize for this. I thought this was gonna be funnier than it is. I was gonna blame it on climate change, but nobody’s gonna buy that.
Mumford Pickens has breaking news on an animal operation. “A prosthetic procedure has just been performed on a blackbird to allow it to walk and hop on the ground when it wants to. A surgeon cured the bird’s birth defect. The poor blackbird had pecked out of its egg with crow’s feet.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org. You know you wanna.