My Pulse Hogspore News

Senior Citizen Gallon Size of Blue-Emu

By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson

I seen Old Man Grimely in Bickum’s Hardware. He said, “Clet, Bickum’s now carries Blue-Emu Topical Pain Reliever that eases my aches every day. Hardy Barkins showed me where it was, the paint department. I purchased the senior citizen gallon size can that I use. I come to realize why they keep it with the paint, cause I saw a paint roller to help slather it on in the mornings.”

Before the emus get ‘harvested’ for their oil and lean meat, they live a pleasant life in Australia. Emus are real curious in the first years. Sometimes the young ones do some time in theme parks. The most famous one is the Outback Emusement Park.

The last Pharaoh to rule Egypt wasn’t Egyptian. He was a mean-tempered Viking, specially if he didn’t get his way. He was Thor, son of Loother. King Thor Loother’s people, the Pharacites, hated him. When he became Pharaoh, he took the name Nuttin-In-Commin.

Larry’s Funeral Home and Assisted Living Facility added a hospice. The building is behind the Assisted Living Facility on a hillside that slopes to the cemetery. The hospice opened this week. There was some changes made after the residents’ loved ones saw the place. Larry removed the sign from the entrance that said, “Roll On In” and the exit saying, “Roll On Down To Your Last Stop.” He also took down the warning in the family visiting area,“Do Not Feed the Residents.”

  03-29-2023. This is the last issue of the Hogspore News. First Place Humor Column Winner, 2008 National Society of Newspaper Columnists. July 2007 to March 2023. It’s been fun.

Bobsimpson2007@aol.com

Interview with Bob Simpson

I started writing in high school in Tampa, Florida, spending two hours of a study hall period every day in my senior year writing jokes, instead of studying. During that time, I sent off many submissions to magazines, but never heard from any except Mad Magazine. Their letter said, “Thank you for your submission. You have been rejected. Please don’t feel bad, though. Please continue to submit articles, so that we can continue to send more of these rejection letters.”

In 2007, the original owner of the Polk County News was Michael Reisig, award-winning writer. He’s a friend of mine from Tampa and Key West days. He suggested that I write a spoof column from a fictitious Arkansas town for his paper. I was communicating with him from Largo, Florida. One of my emails led him to offer to try the column. I had written to him earlier to show how much I liked “The Wizard of Oz” movie. “Sometimes, I’ll put on a blue and white dress and chase my Cairn Terrier around the apartment with a leaf blower.” During high school in Tampa, I played saxophone in a band with Michael Reisig.

I was born in Morrilton, Arkansas. My family moved to Florida before I was two years old. I’ve only met three people from Arkansas, so I always supposed that most folks liked it and never left. That’s not based on any real science, but nowadays, so what!

I admired the L’il Abner comic strip, with the writer’s ability to keep coming up with ideas and adding new characters over the years. Mark Twain and Josh Billings are favorites of mine. The one writer that put me on this path in my early teens was Jack Douglas, of “Never Trust a Naked Bus Driver,” and My Brother Was an Only Child.”  Thank you, Gerald Smith, for loaning me those two books. I’ve read every Jack Douglas book several times.

I have copyrighted songs from my musician days playing saxophone, bass guitar, guitar, harmonica, and singing. I have a short unpublished book copyrighted in 1980 called “Insp. Inspector.” It’s wildly politically incorrect now and would have to be sanitized.

The column was published in the My Pulse News in Mena, Arkansas, and in the Columbus News-Report in Kansas. My goal was to keep it going until I was asked to leave. No one has asked me to leave yet, but now, I’ll write a book or two … unless you’ve heard something.

The unexpected bonus was to be able to read about the daily life of two smaller American towns that valued family, friends, and freedom. At least twice a year, I daydream of moving to either one of them.  

Bobsimpson2007@AOL.com

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Ethan Nahté

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