By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Valentine’s Day is coming. Do not mess this up. Buy flowers, candy, a card with mushy writing, and anything else you can afford for your sweetheart. Bring Your Mule to Work Day lands on Friday, the 19th. If you buy flowers, candy, a card with mushy writing, and anything else you can afford for your mule, then you have some serious problems.
Here’s what’s called a follow-up or update in the newspaper game: Most groundhogs are looking for a new home with privacy, but without reporters in February. They’re also searching for a residence with no shadows for miles around, and a property that they can get into for 20% down and burrow the rest.
Hardy Barkins raised forty turkeys for Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2020. Turkeys are so stupid that when it rains, they look up, open their mouths, and drown. For the first few minutes of rain, you can hear their calls. They change from a gobble to a gargle, then a gaggle, and finally a goner.
Hardy usually sells out the rafters by Thanksgiving, but he had 7 left over. He said, “I felt real certain, that 6 of them would, for sure, be gone for Christmas, with one left for my own table. I was counting my money out by the barn on November 27, when Preacher drove in with the church van.
He saw those 7 turkeys and me ciphering my cash, so he says, ‘How bout donating those fine 7 blessed birds for the free Christmas Church Supper, so we can feed your flock to our flock.’ With all that money in my guilty hands, and those 7 dinners strutting in the pen, I told Preacher that I could let go of 6. I wanted to save one for myself. He said that someone special a long time ago had died to save me, and I would be a welcome guest for supper. So, I attended the dinner to see my lost income. Gotta say though, I did have my fill. There may be something to them blessed birds. I anointed my portions with warm gravy and it was the most perfect primo poultry I ever put away.”
Remember that old revolutionary stand-up comedian with the one-liners, Patrick Henry. “Give me this or give me that,” or “If your army walks through the forest in bright red uniforms, then … you might be a redcoat.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.