BY MICHAEL REISIG –
One of the first things I noticed about moving to Arkansas, years ago (aside from how everyone actually waved at you while going down the road), were the expressions country folk used. There’s just something about country humor that strikes the marrow of funny. I think it’s because, in most cases, it’s derived from real situations. It seemed every time I came home I had a new quote for Bonnie. After a while I started collecting them – writing them down for use in novels and other writings.
I thought today, after all these years, I would offer a collection of some of my favorites – at least the ones I can print (which means I’m leaving out about half the really good ones.)
His elevator don’t go all the way to the top.
The wheel is spinning but the hamster has died.
When I grew up, we were so poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers.
He don’t got all what was supposed to belong to him.
If she had a ham under both arms she’d cry about having no bread.
He ain’t got the sense God gave a goose.
He’s so bad he whups his own ass twice a week.
He’s crazier than an outhouse rat.
It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.
He was busier than a one-eyed cat tryin’ to watch two rat holes.
The boy’s as dumb as a soup sandwich.
That guy’s so slick, he could talk a dog off a meat wagon.
The boys’ family tree don’t got no braches.
Happy as a gopher in soft dirt.
If that ain’t right then grits ain’t groceries.
The boy is a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
I’d have to get a whole lot better just to die.
That boy’s a half bubble off plump. He’s depriving some village of an idiot.
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
She was so ugly her mom wouldn’t let her play in the sandbox – the cat kept covering her up.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
She was so ugly she could cook naked at deer camp and no one would notice.
He was shaking like a Chihuahua passing peach seeds.
He was so ugly, when he was a baby his mom carried him upside down for a year, thinkin’ he only had one eye.
It’s been so hot, the trees are bribing the dogs.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Hope you enjoyed my collection. I’ll leave you with a quote from Will Rogers: “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”