You’re Not Getting Any Younger
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Tony’s Barbershop Think Tank was at it again. A session broke out when Old Man Grimely was telling about what he demanded on his tombstone. He said, “I hate the term, ‘You’re not getting any younger.’ This is what I want on my grave, ‘He finally stopped getting any older.’”
The idea pump was primed, and the opinions started flowing. Here are the notions we arrived at: Junior Bickum told us what his philandering Grandpappy’s headstone says, “Finally, someone’s come around to see my etchings.” Jimmy Suspenders probably thought up his offering cause he likes watching them missing person shows. “Date of Birth May 05, 1964-Disappeared June 15, 2004-Likely deceased by now.” Here’s mine, “Here lies Clethra Litter, father and beloved husband. Thank God, the snoring is over.”
Mumford Pickens don’t care what his inscription is gonna say. He said, “I’d just like everybody to know that my life felt much much longer than it really was since I was married five times. Between my date of birth and my death, I want a four-foot dash.”
Widow Fenster is writing another mystery. This time it’s not about murder. She had the idea for the plot when something paranormal appeared to her. Funny how paranormal events only ap
pear. She related, “I used a crock-pot to prepare a lot of my spouse’s favorite foods in the last few years of our marriage. The number one recipe was roast with taters, onions, and carrots. He vowed that he would never cheat on me if I fixed that dish once a week.
Our marriage ended after the meat market ran out of roast. Turns out my husband skedaddled off with the butcher’s wife. I recovered, and soon after the divorce, I married that butcher. The eerie part is that when I walk by that unused slow cooker in the kitchen, it’s still warm.”
At last, she got to telling about the book. “It’s about a haunted house with a cranky crackpot crock-pot that’s always cooking up schemes to scare the human residents.”
I figure this is not gonna be a big seller. I wanted to get away, so I asked her a question that would lead to ending our conversation. I sez, “Are you gonna have your name on the book?”
The Widow said, “Of course, I am. Why shouldn’t I put my name on it? I’m the author.”
My answer is what cut short the talk. “Well, it seems to me that you’re a ghostwriter.”
I drove to a Mena, Arkansas lumberyard to buy some wood. Prices are so high that they’ve added a recycled lumber section. It’s cheaper than the regular lumber. It has to be cleared of any coatings or finishes, but they sell Homer Formby products to prepare the wood for use.
I was speaking in the Loan Office with the salesman and the finance manager. There was a screen on a table playing a video on using the Formby compounds. It was right surprising when I seen a piece of naughty pine do a strip for Homer Formby.
One of the most difficult crafts to learn is Extreme Origami in a wind tunnel.
Contact Clet Litter at email@example.com. You know you want to.