The Running of the Belles
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
We celerbrated the Running of the Belles on Monday. The event falls on the second Monday in July to allow the women of Hogspore to chase after their husbands and boyfriends in a reserved course through town.
If a woman overtakes her man before he tags in at the Courthouse sidewalk, she has a license to instill a little respect into her husband or boyfriend for all the psychological and mental abuse or indifference from the last 12 months.
Physical abuse doesn’t count, cause the widow always handles it when it happens. If there is a husband AND a boyfriend for the same lady, she can only go after one, a sorta reverse Sophie’s Choice.
We canceled 2020’s year’s run cause no feller wanted to be running for his hide sporting a facemask. Now, there’s a lot of pent-up anger dwelling in the females. Reports are coming in from throughout the city of excessive walloping of husbands and boyfriends.
Jimmy Suspenders was telling about his folks. He said, “I never met my father or mother. They left me on the steps of an orphanage. I kinda think that my mommy mighta been a hippie and my daddy was a rodeo clown, cause I was placed on those doorsteps wearing tie-dyed swaddling clothes in a barrel.”
Old Man Grimely told his young wife, “I’m gonna start gradually becoming grumpier so no one will miss me when I’m gone.”
She come back with, “Nobody’s gonna notice you getting any grumpier. Don’t worry about anybody’s feelings. Trust me; I know that, somehow, I think I’ll be able to push on.” Grimely knew she meant it since she used a semicolon and two commas.
Anybody out there got nicknames for their grandparents?
I figure names like Gada, (for Granddad), Grammy, Gramps, Memaw, Mimi, and Pop Pop are just grown children’s way of getting back at their own parents. My Grandpappy demanded that we call him, Mr. Litter, so that’s what we called him to his face. My Granny called him an old fool. Grandpappy and Granny are the real deal in these parts. Thems the formal legal titles.
Mumford Pickens says, “The trouble with always looking the other way is that someday there won’t be anywhere to look.
Contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org. You know you want to.