Hogspore News

Harley Spears’ harvesting failure

By Clet Litter as told to Bob Simpson

Hope you had a good Christmas. The best Christmases are where you buy the right gifts for everyone, and no one gives you what you don’t want. We’re taking down our Christmas tree on New Year’s Day. The deal here is that Punkin won’t let me trim the tree. On January one, I gotta remove all the ornaments, decorations, and lights, and drag it outta the house. Whilst Punkin is sweeping the needles on the floor, I’m out back having fun burning the tree. It’s a win-win for us, ‘cause she knows that men like tearing things down and burning them.

Mean ol’ Harley Spears got into a little trouble late Christmas Eve out at his place. Sheriff Reilly Combover had to take him to jail. Harley was full of 80-proof hollerday cheer. The neighboring farm had trimmed their house, barn, and silo with lights for the season. Late that night, he saw the lights on the silo and thought it was Santa and his sleigh. He ran out onto his porch with his rifle and started blasting away. He figured to harvest himself a Rudolph or Comet to add to his freezer.

Harley is still in jail, but he can go home once he apologizes to his neighbor, pays for the silo repairs and damaged corn, and explains to PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, what happened to the 40 reposing rats.

There’s a device for old drill sergeants who live alone in rural areas. Good luck with those sales projections. If you fall and can’t get up, you push the red button on your Death Avert bracelet. A recording begins, “Nobody is gonna come help you. You’re country stock and nothing stops you. Remember your grandmother when she tangled with Scarlet Fever and still took care of her grandchildren. She walked off that nasty high fever. Now, listen here; do whatever it takes to pick yourself up and return to your chores. Do not make your family ashamed of you when they find you dead here, after they come back from town in three days.”

They have another product for those older drill sergeants. They call their hearing aid, “I can’t hear you!”

Mumford Pickens says, “This pandemic will probably leave after it makes everybody as humble as they can possibly get.”

The folks from Hogspore wish you a Happy New Year. If you’re in the area, stop by to see the Giant Pumpkin roll off the courthouse roof at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Don’t be a dumb tourist and stand under it … again.

Contact at Bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. You know you wanna.

About Author