My Pulse News

Mena Arkansas News covering Polk County and the surrounding area

Hogspore News: Definition of a woman

by Clet Litter as told to 

Bob Simpson 

Evangeline, my granddaughter, showed up on April one and tried hanging out in the kitchen without me. Finally, I gave her some time alone, so she could set up her sneaky April Fool’s joke. She come out, trying not to grin. After a few minutes, I went in the kitchen to “surprise” myself by getting wet from the taped-up end of the hose sprayer in the sink.

She heard me yell, but she came in early and caught me still purposely spraying my shirt with water. Then I discovered the definition for a woman that apparently is stumping everyone at confirmation hearings for a new Supreme Court judge.

Evangeline was mad at me for ruining her prank. So, the meaning of a woman is a human being who will get mad at a man cause he tries to do something nice for her.

The month of April is like playing Monopoly with hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, and you don’t own them. The first thing is the weather. It’s not safe to say the real worry word; it could jinx me. I say, “I don’t want to see a rowboat blow past my window, when the passengers’ hats don’t fly off in a Gale.”

The second reason for April is income taxes. Filing taxes gives me the same grief that 13-year-olds feel when changing clothes and showering for Physical Education classes. I typed “Physical Education” instead of P.E., cause I’m paid by the word, plus I get bonuses for using quotation marks. If you did favor changing clothes and showering at 13, you’d enjoy smuggling something through a TSA screening search. I didn’t say “Transportation Security Administration” since the editor might get wise.
Third argument for avoiding April; it’s my wife’s birthday on April 14. I gotta think of a great present and party. I can’t ask anybody for advice, cause in this town, she’s gonna find out that I asked for help.

There’s welcome news to celerbrate. We’re into spring and folks and plants are thawing out. It’s time for the Hot Air Balloon Dog Fight Competition on Saturday, April 16. We have a few out of state contestants, Missouri, Ohio, and Kentucky. Nebraska and Washington, D.C. applied, but they aren’t eligible due to the rules. Hogspore don’t trust any Nebraska hot air balloons, specially from Omaha. District of Columbia is out. The politicians cheat cause they carry extra hot air with them.

Mumford Pickens says, “I don’t have anything to say.”

Contact at You know you wanna. 

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